Sarah and I have started to run. I need to lose some weight and she needs time away from her responsibilities. Sometimes Andrew and Hannah come along, too. It's been great for us as a family. We do a lot of laughing together. For some reason, when I run and laugh at the same time, I about pee. Maybe it's another "over 40" thing. However, running, laughing and not peeing makes for a great workout.
Also, running is giving me time to reflect - something that should be done but can be difficult. So here are some of my reflections of late:
If I had to chose one word to describe me "lately", I'd say, well, different. Different is how I'd describe my emotional and mental state. Most days, I'm ok....good....at peace. My days start very early in the morning and end around nine at night when I tell Hannah good night. (Sarah and Andrew are on the honor system to go to bed at a decent time. They both have a lot of homework, and to be honest, I can't stay up waiting on them to finish). My days consist of long work days, now running, throwing together a dinner, cleaning our home and catching up with my family. So most days, if you asked, I'd tell you that I'm ok....good....at peace but very different.
Then there are other days and times that it hits me just how much of a failure I've been. Recently, I went to Termite Basic training. (Let me tell you, I was amazed that an animal that has no eyes nor nose can cause so much destruction) This class only had three of us girls and 21 guys, so during breaks, the girls would hang out together. While getting to know one of the girls, I found out that she is a recent single mom herself. We talked about some of the struggles that we both are having. She made the comment , "You know, going through the divorce and being a single mom is the ultimate failure. Its an ulitimate failure because its so hard to care for my children on my own." And it dawned on me that is what I struggle with so often. As a result of my divorce, my children and I are in a place that we go without - a lot. As a result of another divorce, I've moved my children from a home that gave them their own space. We left pets that we loved and family that we still miss. There have been several times that the kids have asked for something that Ive had to say no. And I've missed activities with my kids because i have to work. Birthdays have come without gifts and Im dreading Christmas. My kids don't complain, but I get that overwhelming sense that I have failed and am failing.
There was a saying that I used to hear: "BBD". This stands for bigger, better deal - meaning that if what you have right now doesnt work out, don't waste your time on it, there is a bigger, better deal. And I'm not sure that there is such a thing. And I'm defintely tired of chasing it.
When I am in this rut, it's hard for me to talk myself out of what I call the Jenn funk. So I do what I know how to do: I get chatty - I don't want to talk about what is going through my head because I will cry, so I'll chat with everyone around me to avoid being asked how I'm doing, I take deep breathes of prayer and I stay busy. I'm not sure that is the right way to handle it, but it's the Jenn way. And to be honest, I'm not sure how else to handle this time in my life except to keep pushing on. (This is why I need to run - makes be alone with my thoughts)
Usually what snaps me out of the Jenn funk is when I hear of others' life struggle: the high school friend whose husband walked out without any warnings, the man of God diagnosed with cancer that will take his life and him away from his family or the family who lost their job and home. It's seeing other hardships that I realize that it's not just me walking down a hard road - there are so, so, so many others.
When I see others hurting, I'm reminded that while on this earth, I'm not promised days of sunshine, no tears or a BBD. I will never be perfect and will always need forgiving. But what I am promised is a God to get me through the hard days and a one day that I won't be here anymore. I'll be in a place that there is no more pain and a place that I will be with my family - forever. There is hope! My pain, hurts, fears failures and disappointments won't last forever - but heaven will! And today might be hard, but it's not my forever!
No comments:
Post a Comment