Highs and Lows!!!

Sarah and I have started to run. I need to lose some weight and she needs time away from her responsibilities. Sometimes Andrew and Hannah come along, too. It's been great for us as a family. We do a lot of laughing together. For some reason, when I run and laugh at the same time, I about pee. Maybe it's another "over 40" thing. However, running, laughing and not peeing makes for a great workout.

Also, running is giving me time to reflect - something that should be done but can be difficult. So here are some of my reflections of late:

If I had to chose one word to describe me "lately", I'd say, well, different. Different is how I'd describe my emotional and mental state. Most days, I'm ok....good....at peace. My days start very early in the morning and end around nine at night when I tell Hannah good night. (Sarah and Andrew are on the honor system to go to bed at a decent time. They both have a lot of homework, and to be honest, I can't stay up waiting on them to finish). My days consist of long work days, now running, throwing together a dinner, cleaning our home and catching up with my family. So most days, if you asked, I'd tell you that I'm ok....good....at peace but very different.

Then there are other days and times that it hits me just how much of a failure I've been. Recently, I went to Termite Basic training. (Let me tell you, I was amazed that an animal that has no eyes nor nose can cause so much destruction) This class only had three of us girls and 21 guys, so during breaks, the girls would hang out together. While getting to know one of the girls, I found out that she is a recent single mom herself. We talked about some of the struggles that we both are having. She made the comment , "You know, going through the divorce and being a single mom is the ultimate failure. Its an ulitimate failure because its so hard to care for my children on my own." And it dawned on me that is what I struggle with so often. As a result of my divorce, my children and I are in a place that we go without - a lot. As a result of another divorce, I've moved my children from a home that gave them their own space. We left pets that we loved and family that we still miss. There have been several times that the kids have asked for something that Ive had to say no. And I've missed activities with my kids because i have to work. Birthdays have come without gifts and Im dreading Christmas. My kids don't complain, but I get that overwhelming sense that I have failed and am failing.

There was a saying that I used to hear: "BBD". This stands for bigger, better deal - meaning that if what you have right now doesnt work out, don't waste your time on it, there is a bigger, better deal. And I'm not sure that there is such a thing. And I'm defintely tired of chasing it.

When I am in this rut, it's hard for me to talk myself out of what I call the Jenn funk. So I do what I know how to do: I get chatty - I don't want to talk about what is going through my head because I will cry, so I'll chat with everyone around me to avoid being asked how I'm doing, I take deep breathes of prayer and I stay busy. I'm not sure that is the right way to handle it, but it's the Jenn way. And to be honest, I'm not sure how else to handle this time in my life except to keep pushing on. (This is why I need to run - makes be alone with my thoughts)

Usually what snaps me out of the Jenn funk is when I hear of others' life struggle: the high school friend whose husband walked out without any warnings, the man of God diagnosed with cancer that will take his life and him away from his family or the family who lost their job and home. It's seeing other hardships that I realize that it's not just me walking down a hard road - there are so, so, so many others.

When I see others hurting, I'm reminded that while on this earth, I'm not promised days of sunshine, no tears or a BBD. I will never be perfect and will always need forgiving. But what I am promised is a God to get me through the hard days and a one day that I won't be here anymore. I'll be in a place that there is no more pain and a place that I will be with my family - forever. There is hope! My pain, hurts, fears failures and disappointments won't last forever - but heaven will! And today might be hard, but it's not my forever!

Image

There is one thing that I've been doing a lot of thinking about lately - IMAGE!

I work for a company that is very concerned about image. During the week, men in the offices wear ties and ladies wear business attire. Our team members out in the field wear uniforms. The company pays a vendor to keep the uniforms clean. Black shoes and socks are required. A person can't even wear a hat that is ragidity. The company provides a vehicle to be driven. It is to be kept clean and dent free. Image is very important to our company!

Why?????? The owner believes that our image give the perception that we care about the little things. Image gives the perception that we are professional and know what we are doing. Image gives the perception that you can trust us. Image sets us apart of the other companies. So image to our company is important.

And I see the value in this - but I'm back to thinking that I miss so much on people because I've pre-judged on image.

Recently, Sarah and I went into a vitamin store. The manager of that store was very over-weight. I realized that I immediately thought that the store couldn't have any valuable health items because just look at how unhealthy the manager was. But truthfully, I knew nothing at all about her!

Image is something that I am having to care about. I've not really had to worry about weight before - not really. In the past, if I wanted to lose weight, I'd just not eat dinner or cut back. I'd drop the weight fairly quick. Well, something has changed - and I'm not to pleased with it. I've put on about 25 pounds since starting my job and it doesn't matter how much I cut back, I'm not dropping the weight. Like I said, I'm not to pleased about it. Yet, my outward image is still good. I don't look fat, but I know what I look like naked and what the scale says. And it just makes me aware of accurate is image.

I've realized that when I'm talking on the phone, I have an image in my head about what the person on the other end looks like based on their tone of voice. If they are being nice, I see a smile. If they are being angry, I see an ugly face. Yet, I know nothing about them - not really.

So I'm trying to be slow in my perception of others based on what I see of them. And I'm trying to make sure that my whole image - not just physical, but my attitude is a pleasing image to others. Others don't need to know that I've just gained a bunch of weight. They need to have the perception after having an interaction with me that "this day will be good after all."

How Precious - One of those God Moments

You know - it's been five months. In speaking with a counselor, it is normal that I have an anniversary of April 19, 2011. For every 19th that goes by, I check it off in my mind - another month. Another month that the kids and I made it. Another month that we were able to breath. Another month that good memories were made. BUT.........

I wish that I could say that all was good with me. But....it's not! There are days that I am not ok - I'm not ok! There are days through out the month that I don't know if I'm going to make it - afraid to take that next breath because I'm really afraid of the 6th and 7th and 8th breath that I have to take - just what if things don't get easier. What if I get to that 6th breath and I'm still just as scared and just as tired. SO I find at times that I'm afraid to breathe.

And then I feel so ashamed that I still have hard days - that I still have days that mentally I'm not trusting and resting in God. That the day came and I didn't think of one thing to be thankful for - that I got in the rut - once again. I hate that part! There are so many others that are at a much greater need - a deeper hurt - a longer struggle than what I have been through - and they are still smiling. They have decided that when the sun comes up in the morning, they are going to thankful that they are awake to see it and will make this day be the best day of their lives - and I am ashamed of my attitude.

I recently got an email from my Aunt Roz. And as she closed her email, this is what she left me with: I thought this picture of the Mother bird and her babies was such a wonderful picture of God’s protective love for us, so thought I would send it along as a little I love you, hoping you will find it to be an encouragement.

Kindness - Not a Discription But an Action!!!

For those that read my blog but don't know my background, let me fill you in. I have three beautiful children, Sarah Elizabeth, Andrew John and Hannah Kay!!!! Their dad and I divorced in 2003. Though we didn't stay married, he is an incredible Daddy to my three babies! A few years after we divorced, God brought a wonderful woman into his life and by this into the lives of my children as well. We call her Bonus Mom instead of step mom.

Often when others see the dynamics of our relationship, they will make a comment about the "strangeness" of our relationship but how neat it is. As a result along with the grace of God, prayers and hard work, we have not just good kids, we have GREAT kids. They are respectful, know the value of hard work and are a delight to have in our lives!!!!!

As I look back over the years and how my relationship with Angela has grown, there are a few things that have remained constant. First, she loves my children's dad. Secondly, she loves my children and loves them well. And lastly, Angela is kind. If given only one word to describe her, I'd describe as "kind".

And though "kind" describes her, it is her actions over and over that gives her that title. I can count on her to help with scheduling conflicts of the kids and work - without it being an inconvenience. She has allowed me several times to interupt her plans and helped out. She feeds my children even when they are to be with me. Yet, Angela goes beyond just being kind to my kids, she is very kind to me. I have gotten cards of encouragement. Phone calls to see if I need anything. And she is a friend.

You see, somewhere in Angela's life, she figured out that you have the biggest affect on a life by being kind. Kindness isn't just a description for her, kindness is an action!

Perception - Its everything and It can be majorially skewed

A few weekends ago, the kids, their cousins, a couple of friends and I went to New Symrna Beach. (This beach allows cars to be on the beach and sadly there has been some tragedies when a vehicle and a sun bather collide.) While we were there, it happened again.

Also, NSB is one the largest shark capitols of the world. On this Saturday, my son and two of his cousins were in the water with me. I turned to walk back to the beach and noticed this truck going down the beach following a Beach Patrol truck. The driver of the truck was frantically waving a hand out the window and honking her horn. It was obvious that she was trying to get the attention of Beach Patrol. Immediately, I scanned the water looking for a fin and got the boys out of the water.

By the time, we got to the shore, there were several firetrucks, ambulance, Beach Patrol and a medic helicopter up above. And a pretty large group of people congrating in one area. Andrew went over to see what he could find out. He came back with the story that someone's leg is all bloody but didn't know the how. I immediately thought it just had to be a shark attack and there was some of that talk going on around us. Perception from what we could see was a shark attack.

But here is what happened, a truck was driving on the beach (thankfully, under the speed limit). A four year old girl came out of water by herself and didn't think to look. She hit the bumper of the truck and was briefly dragged causing scratches on her face. Thankfully, she was ok.

But what really happened and what I thought had happened were no where close to each other. This was a majorially skewed perception that only had a similarity of blood. Made me wonder how many times I jump to the wrong conclusion because I'm making my decisions on skewed perception. I'm trying hard to slow down those judgments and take the time to find out what has happened. I know that I don't like being misunderstood or the thought that there is a preconceived decision without knowing my story. It's worth the disclipline of not jumping to conclusions.

Wreckless Driving - It's Stupid!!!!

While growing up, we weren't allowed to say the word "stupid". Without a doubt, I have the best parents that a girl could ask for, but this grown-up girl sometimes uses that word - stupid.

Here is what the dictionary says about stupid:

1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
3. tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

This word has actually quite old - has its origin as being 1535-1545...

And still today, there is still reason to use this word.

Though I do drive fast, I do not tail gate. I am very aware of the reaction time needed to stop quickly, so I leave a distance between the vehicle and mine. And Monday morning on my way to work, I was rear ended. Thankfully no one was hurt but still waiting to see what the damages. (Here is another interesting part of this: I get out of my car and the other driver did as well. She looked at me and said, "Jennifer?". I said, "Dorinda?" We worked together at the Sheriff's Office eight years ago.)But when the police officer asked what had happened, she stated that her foot came off the pedal. She was too close to me.

But here is the part where I just shook my head and said, "Stupid". The very next morning I was on I-4 during morning rush hour. I left space between the vehicle in front of me and my car. I really couldn't get into another lane because traffic was dense. I guess the person that was following me didn't like it. He started flashing his high beams and was right on my bumper. I could almost see what type of cigarette he was smoking. So his first chance, he got around me and then slammed on his breaks - not because he needed to but because he wanted me to know that I had really upset him. And then speed up to catch back up. Well, I got the messagge. I knew he was upset.

But here is the irony of it all: obviously with his behavior, I had really frustrated him. But once he got around me, he wasn't able to go any faster. He was still stuck in the same dense traffic. And I'm sure he still was having a bad day.....

When he slammed on his breaks, all I did was shake my head and mumble, "stupid".

Made me wonder though how often I waste my energy on having a bad attitude about something that I can't change - that too is just stupid!!!!

Diamonds - A Girls Best Friend

If you were to ask me if I loved jewelery, my first response would be: "No, I"m not a jewelry girl". That statement is somewhat true. I don't change my jewelry to match what I'm wearing. I hardly ever change my jewelry. I couldn't tell you the last time I changed my jewelry. I have my pieces of jewelry that I love and almost always wear them - I don't need anymore. Yet I have to admit that I do like the bling of diamonds. My earrings have diamond balls; my belly ring has diamonds and I used to wear a diamond on my finger - I do like the sparkle of diamonds....so maybe I am a jewelry girl after all......

Nahhhhhh...I'm a diamond girl:)

"Diamonds" made me think of a conversation that I had with my Mom the other day. As Moms do, she was encouraging me and said - "You're a beautiful diamond, Jenn"

I googled what is required to make a diamond. Did you know that diamonds start off as coal deep in the earth and through a process become one of the strongest stones. Here is what I found is required:

1.Bury carbon dioxide 100 miles into Earth.
2.Heat to about 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit.
3.Squeeze under pressure of 725,000 pounds per square inch.
4.Quickly rush towards Earth’s surface to cool.

I have to say that there isn't anything about this process that I see as appealing. I wouldn't like to face heat of 2200 degree nor being squeezed under pressure of 725,000 pounds!!!!! Yet, that is required to make a diamond.

A diamond! A stone so sought after. A stone that has so much value. A stone that is dreamt about by most girls - that they will find their "happily-ever-after" - be asked on a bended knee to share a life - a box presented that holds a diamond ring. Something that is so sought after....

Yet it requires those four things to become a diamond....

As my Mom said- "You're a beautiful diamond, Jenn." It's only because of "degree of the temperture and the pressure" that God is allowing in my life that I can start the process of changing from coal to a diamond.

It has not been easy - not at all! Yet if my children, my family and friends can look at my life and see a diamond, then my only response is: Thank you, God, for taking an interest of taking the coal and refining it into diamond.

Soooooooo.....when your days become difficult, remember that you are becoming a diamond. And please don't forget to remind me when I forget as well.